Fair is Where You Get Cotton Candy

Dear Baby,

People are going to offend you. They are going to say or write things that hurt your feelings, or that hurt your pride or say things that, in your opinion, are just plain wrong. Guess what?

That’s okay.

Or at least, it should be. I don’t know (and sometimes don’t even want to think about) what the world will be like when you’re my age. I can tell you in this day and age, that particularly with the evolution of social media permeating our daily lives, people get offended pretty easily. Somebody says or types something that somebody else doesn’t agree with and right away they feel the need to a) defend their position b)Write long rants on whatever soapbox they can find c) take their offense to the authorities d) demand apologies or e) all of the above

Society allows this type of behavior to be viewed as being “strong” or “brave” or “passionate”. Your dad and I would believe that the opposite is true. To us, a strong or brave person is someone who knows with learned and knowledgeable conviction what they think, feel and believe and is able to stand by that knowledge unceasingly without dramatic declarations, berating or belittling another person or demanding that their personal “rights” and “feelings” be validated with apologies. A self-assured and considerate person is someone who knows what and why they think, feel or believe a certain way. They choose when, where and who to share this with and they stand by it firmly, respectfully and hopefully with friendliness. They know that they alone are responsible for how they react to opposition.

The truth is Baby, you don’t want an apology that isn’t offered freely with true penitence. Apologies are wonderful things. They are even wonderful to give sometimes, even though it can be hard. But the truth of them is that you don’t need them. Maybe you have been completely wronged and deserve an apology. This may be true. But you do not need one to keep living your life to the best of your ability.

Likewise, you do not need to prove (on social media or otherwise) that you are right about anything. I mean that very sincerely. It is very tempting to argue what you believe to be true in the most clever, well thought out argument you can muster. And by all means, if you feel convicted to share what you think, feel or believe about something, go ahead and explain away. But Baby, do not act shocked or offended when people disagree with you or berate and belittle you or attack you personally or attack your beliefs.

When I was little I was bullied mercilessly at school. Some days my dad would come to my room to find me curled up on my bed crying about the injustice of what some of these children did to me. And believe me little one, he hurt for me too. I know I wanted him to go to that school and fix it for me. I know that he wished he could have gone to that school and fixed it for me. Instead, he taught me something about life. Something that he repeated to me often over the years. He never said it callously. It was always said with either sympathy or simple fact:

“Life is not fair”.

Nope. Fair is where you get cotton candy and that’s about it. People don’t have to like you. People don’t have to agree with you. People don’t have to see things your way. They don’t even have to be nice to you. And sadly, you have little control over whether they even treat you with respect.

The only thing you have control over is how you treat people and how you react to people. Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself. He didn’t say, “love your neighbor as long as he believes what you do”. He didn’t say, love your neighbor only as long as nothing he says or does offends you”. That makes it pretty simple.

So Baby, I hope you have strong thoughts and beliefs and opinions on things. I really hope you do. However, I hope your self-control and sense of respect and humility and perseverance are even stronger.

Sincerely,

Your Mom who will love you even when life isn’t fair.

I Want You to Know a Great God

Dear Baby,

I want you to love a great God. That’s it. Getting good marks in school, being a good athlete, having an awesome career, getting married - these are all good things. But none of them mean anything if I haven’t shown you the love of our great God.

Why? Because life is hard and it sucks sometimes. Getting good marks in school is temporary. Athleticism fades with age. A career doesn’t comfort you through long nights and a marriage won’t last or reach its full potential if you don’t know God.

I believe you should do your best in all things. Do your best at school, at volleyball, strive for a career you enjoy, pray to be a good husband or wife. If you are successful at all of these things and have an awesome relationship with God I will be very proud of you.

If you try your best and bring home poor report cards, if you try your best and no one wants you on their team, if you try your best and you can’t find a job that suits you, if you try your best and never get married - if you have difficulties in all of these things and have an awesome relationship with God - guess what? I will be very proud of you.

God does not promise us rainbows and falling stars, pink bunnies and marshmallow houses. In other words, He doesn’t say that our life on Earth will be pain and trouble free. What He does promise is that He will never leave our side. He promises that He will help us through the pain and troubles and will give us hope and courage when it seems as though all is lost.

That is why a relationship with God is all I truly want for you Baby. I never want you to be alone. I never want you to feel like all hope is lost. I want you to know what true love looks like. I want you to know what sacrifice and commitment look like. I want you to find your happiness not in the temporary things that this world puts in front of you but in the love of Christ that is within you when you receive the Holy Spirit.

So yes little one, always strive to do your best in all things. Just remember that your Mama thinks it’s more important to love a perfect God than to love a perfect life.

You never know, one day there just might be a home God makes for you with rainbows and falling stars and pink bunnies and marshmallow houses.

Love,

Your Mom

I Want You to Know You are Very Wanted

Dear Baby,

I want you to know you are wanted. Your dad and I, we don’t have a cutesy nickname for you, at least not yet. We simply call you “Baby” and talk about “when Baby comes. . .” But our lack of creativity in this area is far from a reflection of our excitement and anticipation.

So to start, I want you to know that you are very, very wanted and that you are prayed over daily. In fact, we prayed for you before you were conceived. I’ve been praying for you since the beginning of my adult life. Through all those times I didn’t know if I was destined to be a wife, much less a mother, I prayed for you just in case.

We celebrated the beginning of your life in me! Just your dad and myself. There were happy tears and dreams shared. There was this beautiful secret that we kept between the three of us for the first little bit. Then we shared the news of your existence with our families and friends and there were more tears of joy and hugs and beaming smiles.

Little one, I want you to remember that all babies, all life in the womb - deserves to be celebrated. It doesn’t matter the situation or the trials to follow.  All mothers need to be told that what they are carrying is joyful and precious! All babies deserve to begin life in hugs and smiles. All life is precious.

For that matter, life is many, many things. For most of those things, it’s pretty handy to have a mother. The thing is, the world keeps turning even for us mothers and sometimes we don’t get around to saying all the things we want to say to you. Whether it’s keeping up with the hustle and bustle of family life or because God directs our path in a direction we weren’t expecting or because He calls us home sooner than you would have liked, we don’t always have quiet moments or the right words to say what we want to share from our hearts to yours.

Your mama likes to write. And since she is carrying her first, she has more time to embrace this preparation time than mothers with a whole brood. I want to make a point of telling you some things I want you to know, now, in this special in-between-time. These writings are not just for you Baby, but also for your little siblings we hope will follow you.

I don’t even know how to be a mother yet. I’m still learning to be a wife. But I have noticed a few things about being a well-rounded person. Many of these things I learned from your Papa and Grandma McKechnie. Some of them I’m learning from your Dad. Many of them have been teachings I’ve learned from God.

I hope I can give you a few gifts over the years. I want you to know that the first gift I’ve given you is that you are very, very wanted and your life’s beginning was celebrated with happy tears, hugs, smiles and joy.

Love,
Your Mom