Dear Baby,
People are going to offend you. They are going to say or write things that hurt your feelings, or that hurt your pride or say things that, in your opinion, are just plain wrong. Guess what?
That’s okay.
Or at least, it should be. I don’t know (and sometimes don’t even want to think about) what the world will be like when you’re my age. I can tell you in this day and age, that particularly with the evolution of social media permeating our daily lives, people get offended pretty easily. Somebody says or types something that somebody else doesn’t agree with and right away they feel the need to a) defend their position b)Write long rants on whatever soapbox they can find c) take their offense to the authorities d) demand apologies or e) all of the above
Society allows this type of behavior to be viewed as being “strong” or “brave” or “passionate”. Your dad and I would believe that the opposite is true. To us, a strong or brave person is someone who knows with learned and knowledgeable conviction what they think, feel and believe and is able to stand by that knowledge unceasingly without dramatic declarations, berating or belittling another person or demanding that their personal “rights” and “feelings” be validated with apologies. A self-assured and considerate person is someone who knows what and why they think, feel or believe a certain way. They choose when, where and who to share this with and they stand by it firmly, respectfully and hopefully with friendliness. They know that they alone are responsible for how they react to opposition.
The truth is Baby, you don’t want an apology that isn’t offered freely with true penitence. Apologies are wonderful things. They are even wonderful to give sometimes, even though it can be hard. But the truth of them is that you don’t need them. Maybe you have been completely wronged and deserve an apology. This may be true. But you do not need one to keep living your life to the best of your ability.
Likewise, you do not need to prove (on social media or otherwise) that you are right about anything. I mean that very sincerely. It is very tempting to argue what you believe to be true in the most clever, well thought out argument you can muster. And by all means, if you feel convicted to share what you think, feel or believe about something, go ahead and explain away. But Baby, do not act shocked or offended when people disagree with you or berate and belittle you or attack you personally or attack your beliefs.
When I was little I was bullied mercilessly at school. Some days my dad would come to my room to find me curled up on my bed crying about the injustice of what some of these children did to me. And believe me little one, he hurt for me too. I know I wanted him to go to that school and fix it for me. I know that he wished he could have gone to that school and fixed it for me. Instead, he taught me something about life. Something that he repeated to me often over the years. He never said it callously. It was always said with either sympathy or simple fact:
“Life is not fair”.
Nope. Fair is where you get cotton candy and that’s about it. People don’t have to like you. People don’t have to agree with you. People don’t have to see things your way. They don’t even have to be nice to you. And sadly, you have little control over whether they even treat you with respect.
The only thing you have control over is how you treat people and how you react to people. Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself. He didn’t say, “love your neighbor as long as he believes what you do”. He didn’t say, love your neighbor only as long as nothing he says or does offends you”. That makes it pretty simple.
So Baby, I hope you have strong thoughts and beliefs and opinions on things. I really hope you do. However, I hope your self-control and sense of respect and humility and perseverance are even stronger.
Sincerely,
Your Mom who will love you even when life isn’t fair.
